Trying again

Well now that my time of the month has finally ended I guess I will get over my fears and start trying for a baby all over again. I am still scared that I will have another miscarriage. I mean I have never had to deal with anything like this before and neither has anyone in my family that I know. My family is pretty fertile so they get pregnant easy and they usually don't miscarry. I just don't know what to think being that I am the odd one out. I mean it took me 2 1/2 years to get pregnant the first time only for it to end in miscarriage so I feel like I will never get to carry a baby until it's due date or at least close to it. It is hard to have hope of any kind, but I am trying. I guess this is all for now. Time to go chart my temps and test for ovulation.

Today sucks

Well I had the luck of starting my period today. I was kinda hoping that I was pregnant this time, but I'm not. After yesterday I would have been the happiest person in the world if I had have found out that I was pregnant. Well there isn't much to be done about it I guess I can try again next month. I am really starting to feel like God hates me. I me I just can't pray enough or do anything to have him answer my prayers so I think he is not even listening let alone cares, but maybe that's just me even though it's been like this for years. Sorry if I'm bringing you down I just had to get that out there it has been on my mind for a while now. I'm just really depressed because I am getting sick of this routine and want my chance to be a mother. I have way too many people throwing their pregnancy in my face as if I am incompetent or something.

Thanksgiving

I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving and maybe a good black Friday for those who care to go shopping. I had an ok thanksgiving as far as that went. I mean I went to a dinner for my husbands side of the family instead of mine being that we live a few hours away from my family and we alternate holidays with the families. I really didn't want to go because of my hubby's brother and his wife who I knew we would get into a fight with, but in the end I went only to find out they didn't go because we were there. Lucky me. I mean I'm not the type of person who argues with other people or talk bad about them, but our fight started with them trying to live with us and not help pay any bills and because we refused to let them take advantage of us they got mad and started bad mouthing us. So that is why I know we would have got into a fight because they would have said something out of line.
So I was doing ok when we got there then the kids started showing up, most of them under the age of 5. Being that I love kids I'm hurting because I don't have any of my own and have been trying. Well needless to say one of my husbands aunts whose son just had his second child a month ago walks up to us holding the baby and says "See this, this is what one of these looks like." "When are you going to have one of these?" It took a lot in me not to run off crying and having everyone looking at me like what is her problem. Instead I said "I had a miscarriage a month and a half ago," very quietly and then she says "I'm so sorry I didn't know." and walks off. Of course she didn't know I didn't tell anyone except a few close friends and family. I thought I was going to be ok, but the before dinner conversations consisted of baby talk and what not so I had to leave the room before someone asked that question again and I started crying. Now I'm afraid to spend Christmas with my family because of this being that I know someone is going to ask that question. If only I could get pregnant and it stick.

Dreams

This is pretty early for me to be posting so there may be two posts today don't know yet.
I just woke up and I had a some what nice dream. I had a dream that I was at my aunt's house and I had a little baby boy with me and I had kept waking up at night to feed him. One of the times I woke up to feed him my aunt was sitting on the bed waiting for me to get up and she held the baby while I went to make a bottle for him. I also remember looking back on his birth and remembering how easy it was and how happy I was.
Now I'm a little worried. Not because of the baby I really want to get pregnant. I'm worried because I did not see my husband anywhere and we don't live with my aunt. I am hoping that the dream just meant that I was pregnant and not that I will get pregnant and lose my hubby before or after the baby is born. That is something I couldn't deal with. I'm just hoping that there is nothing to worry about.

Weight

Since I was diagnosed with PCOS, well before that really, I have been having trouble trying to lose weight. I have done nothing, but gain it. Right now I have stayed the same weight for about 6 months and I'm hoping that it either stays that way or I lose some. For the time being I am on this diet for my PCOS which consists of me eating certain foods and staying away from others. It's not that hard for me to follow because I love a lot of different food both healthy and not. So I had to replace regular fries with sweet potato fries which is fine with me they still taste good with ketchup. The white bread to wheat bread switch was the hardest because I hate the taste of wheat bread so I buy honey wheat instead, it's cheating, but it keeps me off of white bread.
I have to back away from those kind of things because with PCOS one of the problems with it is that my body doesn't use all of the insulin it makes so I gain weight easier and white flour and white potatoes are things that require a lot of insulin to stop the body from storing all of weight gaining stuff as I like to call it.
I'm walking more then I used to. I have a puppy that needs to be walked on the regular, but I avoided it buy letting other people in my family take her with their dogs so that she can be around other dogs. I'm really hoping that if I lose weight that I will get pregnant again and maybe not lose that baby. Wish me luck. 

Afraid

So I have two things to talk about today which have nothing to do with the other. Anyway I will start off with  what I'm afraid of. Other then spiders ok well I'm terrified of those, but I'm referring to things of a more family like way. I mean all this BDing can make a girl go crazy and I guess the guy too because it's timed and not just whenever. So instead of enjoying it you start to dread it. Well that's sorta my case, but a little different. My case is I'm afraid to BD because of my miscarriage a little over a month ago. I mean I can't get it out of my head. I have stopped crying about the miscarriage, but not worrying about another one. I mean I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again I will have a miscarriage at about 8 weeks like last time or even worse once I have passed the 13 week mark.
I want to have kids and not because a lot of my friends are or because of family or anything else, but because I want to be a mother. For the longest time all I wanted was to find the right boyfriend for me, get married, have kids, be a stay at home mom, watch the kids first day of school, watch the kids grow up, watch the kids go off to collage, watch the kids get married have kids, and grow old with my hubby. I got the first two, but the rest no. It hurts really bad for me to not have kids or at least be pregnant right now. I mean I have been married for 2 and a half years and no pregnancy or kids.
Not that I thought I would get pregnant right away or that I should have been pregnant as soon as we got married, but we've been trying for 2 years and I have yet to tell my family that I'm pregnant. It sucks because three of my friends who have gotten married in the past 4 months are in their second trimester so I feel like it's not fair. They got pregnant shortly after trying and me I'm still trying. I can't even stand to go on Facebook anymore because they are talking about their ultrasounds and how it's a boy or a girl.
Now if you are wondering about if I have seen a doctor about this I have. It was after about a year and a half of trying with no success. I was put on provera to jump start my period because I was irregular. Not to be confused with depo provera which is birth control. The once I started my period I was to take 50mg of clomid to get me to ovulate because I wasn't doing that either. So when I went back to the doctor a few months later because I waited to start taking  I was ovulating and my periods were regular. 
After about 4 moths of being on clomid I was starting to give up when I found out I was pregnant and I was happy, but that was short lived because at 8 weeks I miscarried.
So yeah I'm afraid to BD because I'm afraid it will happen again. I know I'm a big scaredy cat. Tell me something I don't know.

Now the last thing I want to talk about is Expo Tv. This is a site the a lot of companies go to to get consumer opinion about product before and after they hit the shelves. All you need to join is a email address, a web cam, and internet access. You get to give your opinion about things you already have and when companies want a product tested they put a request up. You have to do a little questionnaire for them to consider you, but if you are picked they mail the product to your house and you try it out and then talk about it on your webcam and upload it to the site. You also get to keep the item for free no matter what it is. You just can't tell anyone about the product you are testing. Oh and did I mention that to join the site is free. You don't have to pay any kind of membership fee at all so it is well worth it. I enjoy being a part of this site very much. Here is my referral link for those who want to join. Copy and paste it into your browser. www.expotv.com/raf/Momotsuki

First Post

You can call me Momotsuki because I do not want to reveal my real name. I plan to use this blog to talk about my experiences I have went through and are going through as it happens or close enough. I will talk about infertility in the way it affects me, PCOS as I have this condition, and miscarriage as I have experienced this. Sometimes it my be a flat out rant that pertains to one of these subjects because sometimes people do things that just need to be expressed. My story is that I was diagnosed with PCOS about a year ago which caused fertility problems. I think I had PCOS years before I was diagnosed with it. I was upset and my hubby and family helped me through it. Finally in October I found out I was pregnant but then at 8 weeks I miscarried. I was upset and recently Have come to terms with it. Don't get me wrong it still hurts, but I am not crying myself to sleep every night now.