Today sucks

Well I had the luck of starting my period today. I was kinda hoping that I was pregnant this time, but I'm not. After yesterday I would have been the happiest person in the world if I had have found out that I was pregnant. Well there isn't much to be done about it I guess I can try again next month. I am really starting to feel like God hates me. I me I just can't pray enough or do anything to have him answer my prayers so I think he is not even listening let alone cares, but maybe that's just me even though it's been like this for years. Sorry if I'm bringing you down I just had to get that out there it has been on my mind for a while now. I'm just really depressed because I am getting sick of this routine and want my chance to be a mother. I have way too many people throwing their pregnancy in my face as if I am incompetent or something.

Thanksgiving

I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving and maybe a good black Friday for those who care to go shopping. I had an ok thanksgiving as far as that went. I mean I went to a dinner for my husbands side of the family instead of mine being that we live a few hours away from my family and we alternate holidays with the families. I really didn't want to go because of my hubby's brother and his wife who I knew we would get into a fight with, but in the end I went only to find out they didn't go because we were there. Lucky me. I mean I'm not the type of person who argues with other people or talk bad about them, but our fight started with them trying to live with us and not help pay any bills and because we refused to let them take advantage of us they got mad and started bad mouthing us. So that is why I know we would have got into a fight because they would have said something out of line.
So I was doing ok when we got there then the kids started showing up, most of them under the age of 5. Being that I love kids I'm hurting because I don't have any of my own and have been trying. Well needless to say one of my husbands aunts whose son just had his second child a month ago walks up to us holding the baby and says "See this, this is what one of these looks like." "When are you going to have one of these?" It took a lot in me not to run off crying and having everyone looking at me like what is her problem. Instead I said "I had a miscarriage a month and a half ago," very quietly and then she says "I'm so sorry I didn't know." and walks off. Of course she didn't know I didn't tell anyone except a few close friends and family. I thought I was going to be ok, but the before dinner conversations consisted of baby talk and what not so I had to leave the room before someone asked that question again and I started crying. Now I'm afraid to spend Christmas with my family because of this being that I know someone is going to ask that question. If only I could get pregnant and it stick.

Dreams

This is pretty early for me to be posting so there may be two posts today don't know yet.
I just woke up and I had a some what nice dream. I had a dream that I was at my aunt's house and I had a little baby boy with me and I had kept waking up at night to feed him. One of the times I woke up to feed him my aunt was sitting on the bed waiting for me to get up and she held the baby while I went to make a bottle for him. I also remember looking back on his birth and remembering how easy it was and how happy I was.
Now I'm a little worried. Not because of the baby I really want to get pregnant. I'm worried because I did not see my husband anywhere and we don't live with my aunt. I am hoping that the dream just meant that I was pregnant and not that I will get pregnant and lose my hubby before or after the baby is born. That is something I couldn't deal with. I'm just hoping that there is nothing to worry about.